INHIBITED SEXUAL DESIRE
You've lost that loving feeling. It's gone, gone, gone, and nothing you do seems to get it back.
Well, there's no reason to believe it's gone forever. Usually the lack of sexual interest is only temporary. In fact, it's a normal reaction to stress, illness, hormonal swings or emotional upset.
But what happens when there's not even a flicker of renewed interest? That's a condition psychologists call inhibited sexual desire.
"People with inhibited sexual desire lack the desire to have sex, even though they have opportunities to do so," explains Shirley Zussman, Ed.D., a marital therapist and a director of the Association for Male Sexual Dysfunction in New York City. "In some instances, they completely lose interest in sex." Or their interest in sex may change dramatically over a period of months.
Of course, not everyone considers a low libido a problem. But some do, and more than a fair number of people with a low sex drive have spouses who consider it a big problem, says Peter A. Wish, Ph.D., director of the New England Institute of Family Relations in Framingham, Massachusetts.
If you're among them, here are some tips that may help you rekindle your flame and help you and your mate adjust to each other's differing appetites.
Shake your booty. Regular, strenuous exercise may be a potent aphrodisiac, helping to boost your sex life. Two studies that included healthy men on regular exercise programs showed that the exercisers enjoyed sex more often than nonexercisers.
"The exercise may have sparked an increase in testosterone in the more active men," speculates David McWhirter, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Diego. Testosterone is the hormone that controls the male sex drive. "Exercise may also help people feel better about themselves and the way they look," he says.
But don't overdo it. Training too hard may lower testosterone levels and decrease sex drive. In one study where men doubled their daily exercise, testosterone levels dropped significantly, and all the men reported declines in sexual interest. So if you're working out more but enjoying sex less, you may want to consider a change of pace.
Make a date. "No time for sex is a frequent complaint, so make it a priority by making time," Dr. Zussman suggests. Be playful and creative, and start "dating" again. Go to a drive-in movie on a hot, humid night. Watch the sun set. Snuggle up together under the blankets with a good book. Hide from the kids the same way you used to hide from your parents when you were teenagers. Leave notes, send cards, give gifts, bring home flowers just for the joy of it.
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Eat lean and mean. A steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries and other fatty foods may curb the production of testosterone, researchers have found. "It may be that fatty acids act on the cells that make testosterone, cutting down on production," observes Wayne A. Meikle, M.D., professor of medicine in the Division of Endocrinology and Metabolism at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. For a man who likes thick steaks and fatty shakes, a change to lean rations may be the best aphrodisiac.
Catch some rays. There's no doubt that a day of sunshine can lift your spirits. But did you know that exposure to the sun may be sexually stimulating, too?
Researchers at the University of Texas Health Science Center at San Antonio found that a person who gets a lot of sunlight has a stronger sex drive. Not only that, sunlight increases ovulation in women and sperm production in men. "Get out in the sunlight for a half-hour or so at midday during the winter months," suggests Russell J. Reiter, M.D., Ph.D., professor of neuroendocrinology at the health science center.
And keep your living space bright by opening the curtains to let in natural sunlight and using high-wattage bulbs.
Try to work it out. "Many sex drive problems are really intimacy problems," Dr. Wish says. "There might be anger, unresolved conflicts or any one of a number of things that are incomplete." He emphasizes that it's important to talk about these things in a supportive way.
Accentuate the positive. Pick a place far removed from the bedroom to have a discussion, suggests Dr. Zussman.
"Start out not in an angry way but by affirming what's positive about the relationship," she suggests. "You may want to begin with 'We have so many good things between us, and this seems to be one area that just isn't working right.' People are very vulnerable about their lack of sexual interest, and it does no good to attack them for it."
Discover the whole body. Couples who concentrate on just reaching orgasm deprive themselves of prolonged pleasures. Do more touching, hugging and hand-holding, Dr. Zussman suggests.
Read the fine print on drugs you're taking. Some drugs crimp not only sexual performance but sexual desire as well. Common lust busters: antianxiety and sleep-inducing drugs and some blood pressure medications. Ask your doctor about side effects. He may be able to substitute a drug with fewer desire-dampening effects.
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